A sort of Story- revised

I remember so clearly, so long so dearly, so many years ago. A story a token, a glass I'd once droped and got broken a faded time age long ago.

My mother once told, from memories of of old, of happier times long past, I think on it now, I remember it how, even tho' I was too young to know.

She always found time, to laugh and not cry, no matter how hard, to sing of things, of whatever life brings, my mother my friend ,so dear to my heart, a joy, memory i will treasures.

I miss her so truly, she could be unruly, her tales spun like gossamer lace, thoughts so sweet, ever so clear, of living in this place. As a child I would sit and wonder for it, the marvelous stories she told. Stories I remember and share till I am ever, so old to remember. SHow she made it all better, with the stories and chatter, a lively spun tale of the past, of butterfly wings, and all sorts of things ,and the joy a simple life brings.

My father I'm told was big, strong and bold, and of him I don't remember, and tho' he was bold, was kind, was great and here he did not stay long. Always bearing a gift, loving smile, kiss, gone from this world way too soon, a wonderful tale I always was given, a wonderful thought that will never be lost, I don't remember but was told.

I seem to age with each passing day, the loneliness grows more and more, alone in a crowd no matter how loud, the loneliness a mawing gap, it grows more and more, and knocks at my door, and I pray and I pray to keep it away, no more.
I wish I could stay, in times long gone, set in beautiful times past, and restful days, a sleepy haze, memories set in I last.

In retrospect I've seemed to neglect, a chore or two I fear, it gets worse and worse every year. The longer I wait, If I pause too to long, I will miss a verse of a song, in a vapor it all disappears.

Oh how long for, & miss those long bygone days, my past a happy daze, the farther away it seems to me, gone the days of my youthful past, those days it seemed, longed for in my dreams, days that are truly gone and past.

Years have gone by and I sit and sigh, I miss my long lost youth, and yet I am told that I am not too old and many a year I have left. But I left my joy like a broked toy, twas never meant to last. A memory left in me so long ago, of chances I left a stolen request.

So far away and yet so dear, I miss them all, so cloudy, so clear, I fear they all fade away. To be left alone with no one at home, no one to share with dear.

Life passes me by and all I do is cry, for what I had in the past. Yet the memories yet remain, all of the joy, the pleasure, the pain. the joy is what I hold dear.

My brother, my sister, all whom I miss, dear in my heart, a page in my life. Yeah I loved them all, I wish them here, in life right now, but alas they are gone they didin't stay long, the things they taught, and what I ought, i remember it all, what else can I do. So lonely, I loved them too.

I have to let go, stand up and to walk, the leave behind, all the is left, till we meet again, in heaven that land, no beging no end, so near yet so far away.

I hope I make sense, no more no less, the story goes on, the love carries on. A faint fragrant flower growing in power. A flavor, never having been spent, a long letter stamped.

Mother she said, there is always love to spare, always more room, for love to grow & bloom, for a friend, or family, or foe, love it seems to increase, to grow, on & on, to never live for the sorrow, the hope for tommorrow, the fears, the tears, the Joy through the years, & that it makes us content.................................

Anger Management???

An article in the local newspaper about how companies are using emotion detecting software to save sales. http://kauaiworld.com/articles/2004/10/21/opinion/edit01.txt

Yeah that is real nice but what every happened to everyday courtesy and politeness? Mom always taught me to treat people the way I would like to be treated. Is that so old fashioned?? I did commission sales for 15 years. I did well at it, now I do outreach work and use the same skills with my clients.

I believe the problem with the whole anger thing stems from the lax and "let children do what they want with attitude that is prevalent in today's society." We need to start teaching children to respect others. People today are so me oriented, society is training young and old alike to be self gratifying.

Even in my own family the team spirit is gone no one wants to work together to help but they just want to leach on others.

I recently inherited my late brothers property and I make half the salary he did. I have tried to enlist help from my siblings and their family members and they "won't do it." They pay no rent to me,they only pay the smaller utility bills. I've recently asked for $50 a month from each adult to help pay for maintenance costs and taxes. Since then one person is avoiding me, 2 have flat out refused and 2 have said they will get it to me.

Now the scary thing is the youngest adults all agreed and have said it is more than fair, they are willing to do it. The oldest couple has refused, they don't even pay a utility bill or do anything to contribute to my household. They smoke, I don't and they take up more than half of the living space in the house.

What am I going to do?? When I try to bring the topic up they use manipulation,actual threats & intimidation tactics on me.

I give up I have tried I am even getting help for "Stress Related Illness". I have an appointment with my lawyer next week.

You can't use anger management techniques on people that are aggressive,abusive and noncompliant to you.

No More Pity Party

I have to now repent on line for having my little "Party".

Oh yeah this is very hard. I like to say poor me. I won't do that any more I don't like getting hurt. I am going to lock my self in so no one can hurt me. So I don't catch what they have.

Yet my biggest witness is letting people see how I pick my self up from my problems and with Gods help do miracles in my life. My life is my greatest witness to God's Glory.

There is no way I can suffer the cross like Jesus did. So why do I aways play the martyr??

I don't want to get beaten up or Killed.

I truly realize that every time I try to run and hide to " Lick my Wounds" to get away and " think" half of the time that is when the depression comes and Satan Attacks. This is usually with renewed bouts of depression and hurt.

I end up finding myself again having to repent of letting another person(s) words Hurt me and break my heart.

And Of course once again I have to repent and ask My Heavenly Father to forgive me and heal my Broken Heart.

And no matter WHAT EXCUSE I try to cover it with, wether I say I need to "get with God" I have to Pau(finish) Sulking & hiding and admit that like a spoiled child with my "no body loves me" attitude The I, me, my, mine sad story, the I need to do this alone or not be a door mat excuse.

You know I am an adult now and I will live alone I have too just to see this done.
I sit back and have to realize that I can't do this alone. Not with out God or the Help of the very friends I was gripeing about earlier.

Am I making the need to be my own person independent and incharge & take control "My IDOL????"

Acts 3:19
Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord,
(Whole Chapter: Acts 3 In context: Acts 3:18-20)

And the Lord only knows how much I need his Love and refreshing.

Lord Please Forgive me and Heal my broken Heart. Forgive me for using my childish love for my self as my Idol.

Protect me from the firey darts of my enemy. Send me you Refreshing I pray life in to my situation.

I have given up hope on family and friends.

I will never again try to help anyone out again, I am such an idiot! In the past I have always tried to look on the "bright side" "Look for the Good in people" only to get the proverbial "door closed in my face",or "knifed in the back" Time and time again. And after they take advantage they blame me for all their problems. Just make me feel not welcome in my home.

What is up with that??!!

Well No more I will not be a damn soft heart again!!

Yeah fianlly after 42 years I come to my senses it was my fault all along!! I was stupid enough to think that if I treat people with respect, that they would return the favor, Yeah you know. " the Do on to others proverb".

Lies all lies people are only out to get what they can from you. they don't give a rats butt about how they make you feel in the long run as long as their needs are being met. So what if they hurt you or make you feel abandoned.

thier never was any good in anyone.

They are only look out for themselves. People only know how to take and take. Family members are the worst, they Know how to suck a person emotionally and financially dry.

Amd friends don't even go there. They rather spend time with everyone else but you!!

Have you ever found your self, the person that your so called "friend" talks to,only when they want to borrow your stuff and then constantly complains that they spend too much time with you?? And if they go any where, where there is anybody else they rather talk to than you,

Have you ever found your self waiting on the side because anything any one else has to say is sooooo interesting you have to wait your turn and it never comes?? And they expect you to hang on theitr every word or they get mad but they listen to you when it is convenent?? Cause it gets them something.

Yeah you know they hang with you only so you buy them stuff? They cut you off when you call them on the phone. ignore you the rest of the time. Or evwn worse tune you out???

I give up. I am a bother and a chore. Sometimes I feel so f-ing like I need to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dogs to play with me.

You know if I was in the hospital dying they probably would tell the doctor to pull the plug by e-mail. Rather than actually come in person.

Sometimes I feel like they are waiting for me to die so they can fight over who's getting my stuff.

When was the last time any one did something nice for me with out me having to practically beg for it??

They buy you a 3 dollar christmas present then they eat it??

Well ain't that enough to get you to start drinking???

I am saying no more. Know more!!!!!! I will not Say I love you any more , I will not buy expensive gifts, I will not be considerate of others feelings before my own.

I am going to start becoming like them!!! Cold hearted and uncaring for any one but myself and my feelings. I have learned from them. I am not going to share my feelings or money, I will not enable any one to take advantage of me any more. I will no longer be a nice person oh Lordy is that so luke warm. Well F'em all I am not going to take it any more no one is goning to get close enough to hurt me. I have t therapest to talk to about my problems she will listen I pay her she has to listen.

An I am no longer asking anyone how they feel, if they need anything or if they are all right. F'em I tell you F'em all.

Yup that is what I am going to do.

What the hell is the use any other way. I have given up hope of having a good relationship with anybody ever again,

We unless there is something in it for me!!!!!!














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No More!!!

I have decided no more enabling!! All adult have to be accountable for their own kuliana. I am no longer going to be the push over that I used to be. I am taking a chapter out of a friend/sister's book. I am tired of fighting.

From now on I will be:

Beautiful
Intellegent
Talented
Charming
Honest

I have to do whatever needs doing according to what My Father tells me. No holding back not my problem if people take offense or not.

The Page Turns

Oh well!
I got let go at my part-time Job it was getting way too expensive driving to and from there anyway. It took al least one hourto get from my house to work the once a week & since working there the starter, the water pump thermostat. Brakes etc let alone gas prices were up to 2.55 a gallon. YIKES!

My car Last month broke down and I couldn't get the parts I needed to fix now I have the parts and it is getting repaird. But I could not go to work for that whole time. I am not upset I was plannig to call them to give notice. But I could not come up with the words to tell them it was not cost effective to keep driving 50 + miles to work on the week ends for so little money. And the tips were not very good either.

I was talking to some friends and I need to get to start fining some Gigs singing closer to home. Aparently there are some restaurants close by that use entertainers. I need put together a set and start auditioning to play at those places.

fish eye
posted by kolohi

Kekaha for the sleepiest sunsets ever
posted by kolohi

Sail boats are welcome here
posted by kolohi

Take a walk on this beach.. the white sand goes on for miles
posted by kolohi

kauai is so beautiful
posted by kolohi